Tell Me Who Your Friends Are 093014

Surf: 1-3 feet, rolling waves
Water: Colder
Winds: Offshore
Atmosphere: Sunny

Monday night... Mel invited Ken over for a cheese night dinner. I did my best to be a good host and let him feel welcomed in the house. I know he and Mel are "together" and it feels too soon, especially since Pat and her just broke up.... I love both Mel and Pat, and care for both of them greatly. I want to see Mel happy of course, and Ken makes her happy, so I did my best to let Ken feel at home. But, it still hurt.

Two weeks ago, my friend Sasha called me during work. His sister-in-law, Rachel, past away from lymphoma. She was 18. We both burst into tears over the phone. I still cry over her sudden death. I texted all my sisters that I love them and that I missed them right then and there.

On the day of her funeral, Sasha called me. "Rach didn't have too many friends... but you know, when the four of us hung out, she considered you to be someone really close to her. We want you to be here..." he told me, as we both cried over the phone. "It's a Jewish funeral, so her mom only wanted Jews to be here, but we want you to be here," he told me.

This was the fifth death in my inner circle of friends, and it hurt. It still hurts.  Life is too short.

I also called my brother from another mother, Nicky. He has run astray, doing his own journey. He had given out my name and contact information as a reference, and I didn't appreciate that. I had to tell him that I couldn't vouch for him anymore since I didn't know what he was doing. "But I'm happy Klaude, why can't you be happy for me?" Not when your mom cries over you in front of me... I can't support that. "I just had a loving conversation with my mama, what are you talking about?" he asks. He's oblivious. I couldn't tell him "I love you" when we hung up. It just wasn't in my heart. It hurt to hear my brother deteriorate.

So, I had to do some soul searching for myself. Mel and Pat... Rachel... Nicky... and then this girl, Elyce. Someone I fell head over heals for. She's a yogi, a beautiful person inside and out, and someone I felt a deep connection with the moment I met. I looked into her eyes and thought, "We've met before. I know it. We know we both met each other before." Lately, she and I have been segregating ourselves from each other. She had broken her phone, and so we didn't have many ways to communicate. To me, that was the universe just saying stop contacting each other.

Through my trips down south by myself, I discovered that my work with her is done. She doesn't need me to inspire her. She's got her own thing going on, whether I'm included or not. So, as much as I was hurt at the idea, I phased myself out of our lives.

I get a long text message from her Monday saying we need to talk, since we are going to my friend Meagan and Brian's wedding together in Santa Barbara on the weekend. "I just want to make sure we are on the same page regarding honoring, respecting and caring for one another. It is important for me to make sure love and kindness are the foundations of my relationships, so I just want to touch base," she wrote.

Here we go. Now she wants to talk.

I go out to surf Tuesday morning, hoping that the surf will keep me level headed. The Grom Patrol has already left, and that there will be some nice waves.

The air is acrid and dry, and I can see the dense smog hovering on the horizon. I can smell the smog and dry air. It's no longer Summer. It's Autumn.

I'm wearing my springsuit, and it's too cold for it. However, I have to paddle out. I can't turn back now! Ross, Roy, and Don are out. There are a few more people speckled in the line up, but we are on the peak right in front of the parking lot.

The four of us trade waves one after another. It was small and gutless, but we caught tons of waves in a short amount of time. It felt good to surf with just the locals out.

That night, E and I talk. She tells me what I already know - that I'm an amazing person and that every thing is black and white with me. She tells me that she had no intention of misleading me into thinking we could be a couple, even though she kisses me and we hold hands. She felt our energies not meshing like it used to, and felt my frustrations towards her. She said that I wanted to mold her into my own world full of boundaries.

I was about to snap.

I wanted to just walk out of her car, and walk home. 

But, I didn't.

I kept my patience.

I kept my silence.

I listened to her.

At last, I told her that I didn't want to bound her, just to build upon the connection that we had. That connection, almost like telepathy, where we don't have to even talk, but we knew how each other felt. It's an energizing, indescribable, addicting feeling to have, and that's all I wanted - for us to build upon that.

In the end, she friend zoned me. WE both agreed that WE were going to be respectful of one another. WE were going to the wedding together still, but it was obvious that WE were no longer WE. At the end of the night, she held me hand, gently caressing it, saying how much she had missed hanging out with me. Mixed signals much?

After being angry and frustrated at the situation, I meditated. I let go of my anger... I let go of all of my presumptions and thoughts, and started to think about what I was grateful for. I started to be grateful for my own development personally as a human being. How my patience was tested. How I opened myself up to heartbreak once again. How I expressed my love to my sisters in my life. How I treated some stranger that was replacing my brother and roommate. How I learned. 

So, generally when I meet new people, I ask them what three qualities they value in their friends most. The Italians say, "Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you who you are." So, with Elyce, I feel like I have to modify my previous values of passion, compassion, and empathy. Now, it will be passion, compassion, and responsibility for one's own actions. 

I want to keep developing myself more. Keep pursuing my passions, carry out my life with compassion, and being responsible for my own actions. I have to keep living the way I feel develops my character and changes my weaknesses into strengths.

Life is too short!! Ain't no one got time to wait around for shit to come around. We can all be dead the next day, you never know!! So go out there. Live your life, and live passionately, compassionately, and responsibly. Sooner or later, we will perish, and all that is left of us are the memories that our friends and families will tell their loved ones.

Mahalos Mother Ocean